I’ve gone through this once before. I should know what to expect. The second time is always easier, right? It’s better knowing what is coming and how to prepare for it. Usually. To most people, that’s true.
For me, it hasn’t been.
This pregnancy has not been difficult. I am so lucky for how I’ve felt and that both pregnancies didn’t have major complications. But, I think I’ve had more anxiety and worry this time around than last. I sort of have felt ashamed about it because it should be a first time mom’s feeling, not when you’ve already been through it.
I think most of it comes from knowing what I could lose. Did you know miscarriages aren’t just in the first trimester? I’ve heard more terrifying stories about late term miscarriages since being pregnant this second time than ever before. I’ve heard about still births at 38 weeks. I’ve seen babies be born at 24 and 25 weeks and not make it. Each time, I praise God that I make it past, and then when I pass those moments. But it hasn’t made it easier. I’m truly blessed with one perfectly healthy baby who I would do anything for. But having her shows me everything I have to lose. I know all the love, the feelings, the moments, and it’s terrifying.
Your baby has the greatest chance of living when you make it past 24 weeks. I counted down until I reached 24 weeks for that reason. When I reached 24 weeks, I prayed to make it another week. I’m now at 34 and while I am quite certain things would be fine should he be born today, I still get worried. Each weird pain I have makes me nervous I’m going into labor. I can’t explain why, and I try to get past it, but I’m just being honest.
I’ve said it before, but my labor with Annabelle was only back labor. It actually left me with such a sore back that I couldn’t do anything about for over a week because of the contractions. Every single time my lower back feels even remotely like that, I fear for that labor. I’m scared for that labor. I know I will get through it, and God will be with me, but it was terrible. Because of having that labor, I’m not exactly certain what regular labor feels like. Again, you hear second time moms who aren’t panicked because they’ve been through it, but I just don’t know. Of course that gives me anxiety over knowing when it’s real labor vs false (I am not even sure what Braxton Hicks are!), and then the whole making sure Annabelle has someone to watch her.
As I get to the end, I’m way more emotional and having all the feels. I want to share that it’s normal (or at least I think so, ha) to feel these things and to be scared. Having a baby is a scary thing! Being pregnant is scary! I know we are so blessed with such amazing technology and medicine should we need it. I just wanted to share some of my fears and what’s been going through my mind. I try very hard to just give them up to God and know He has a plan, but it’s something I’m definitely still working on!